xopachi:

skwinky:

lntruding:


Have you ever been to earth?
On earth, we use the word “burrito” to describe a tortilla filled with things you eat. Pretty simple stuff, and I’m surprised you at least got that part right. My burrito was, in fact, filled with food. In this, you and I agree and are friends. But this is also where my lifelong hatred begins for you and anyone else whose brain has been repeatedly scrubbed with the same mixture of bleach and Pop Rocks as yours has. Because that should have killed you, but left you around long enough to do what you did to me today. Let me explain:
You’re an idiot.
Let me further explain:
Burritos are eaten from one end to the other. So that means when you assemble a burrito with motherfucking ZONES of ingredients going that direction, you create a disgusting experience for the burrito’s end user. When you make a burrito, you should put the ingredients in layerslengthwise. That way, every bite has AT LEAST A FUCKING CHANCE of getting at least two types of ingredients, and there is little chance of becoming almost hopelessly trapped in a goddamned cilantro cavern.
Have you ever eaten one of the things you make all fucking day? You should try one. They are pretty good WHEN YOU ARE NOT WILLING YOURSELF THROUGH THE FUCKING EMPIRE OF SOUR CREAM ONLY TO END UP IN LETTUCE COUNTRY.
When you eat a burrito, you don’t stand it up and bite down on it lengthwise like a fucking Rancor. Humans can’t usually dislocate their jaws, and I’m not a fucking pelican. But you must think that’s how it’s done, since that would be THE ONLY FUCKING WAY to take a bite of your crapstrosity and have it taste like a burrito.
And guess what else, player? You probably can’t guess anything, because I’m pretty sure you’re just a mop with a hat on it that fell over and spilled some shit into a tortilla, but just in case, here’s what:
Humans also don’t eat burritos like fucking corn on the cob. Like a fucking typewriter from one end to the other a little at a time and then DING next line. But today I wish I had tried that. Because at least THEN I would be able to eat some rice, then beans, then be all like HEY BEANS I’LL BE RIGHT BACK JUST GOING OVER HERE TO THE GUACAMOLE FOR A SECOND.
Nope.
My experience was more like HEY BEANS IT’S JUST GOING TO BE YOU AND I FOR A MINUTE UNTIL I CAN FUCKING EXCAVATE THE RICE FROM BENEATH YOU BUT BY THEN YOU WILL BE A FADING MEMORY OH HEY I WAS WRONG I’M IN THE FUCKING CHEESEOSPHERE NOW RICE MUST BE NEXT I HOPE IT’S NOT ANOTHER FUCKING SALSA POCKET.
You built this thing like a fucking pack of LifeSavers.
And don’t even fucking think I’m about to open this shit up and re-engineer your nonsense 90 degrees. I ALREADY PUT A HOLE IN IT WITH MY FUCKING MOUTH. YEAH. THAT’S HOW I DISCOVERED YOU FUCKING SUCK AT LOOKING AT THINGS. I AM NOT GOING TO DO FUCKING TORTILLA ORIGAMI TO GET THIS SHIT BACK TOGETHER, ONLY TO END UP WITH A BURRITO THAT’S BEEN SHOT IN THE GUT AND IS BLEEDING YOUR INEPTITUDE.
What’s that? I should ask you to mix it up first next time? IS THIS JAMBA JUICE? I DON’T WANT TO DRINK MY FUCKING BURRITO THROUGH A BENDY STRAW, AND I DON’T WANT A PILE OF BURRITO SOUP IN A FLOUR CAN.
I just want a burrito.
In conclusion:
You’re the worst thing that has ever happened to the universe, you owe everyone everywhere an apology for this burritobomination, and I hope your babies look like monkeys.



UPDATE FOR EVERYONE WHO SAID “JUST EAT IT WITH A FORK”:
A fucking fork?
I DIDN’T ORDER THE FUCKING COBBURRITO SALAD.
If anyone ever handed me a burrito with a fork, THEY WOULD BE WEARING A BRAND NEW BURRITO HAT FROM MY FALL COLLECTION TEN SECONDS LATER.
That’s like buying a car and having them hand you a fucking wrench with the keys. Like YEAH WE KNOW THIS MOTHERFUCKER’S GOING TO EXPLODE AND BE SPREAD ACROSS EIGHT LANES AS SOON AS YOU HIT THE GAS, BUT SHIT, WE GAVE YOU A WRENCH, SO BE COOL.
Jesus already gave me two burrito forks. One at the end of each arm. They’re called fucking HANDS.
A fork. My god. I haven’t cried since I was six, but I’m fucking sobbing now.
People eat burritos with forks?
God is sorry he made us.
(Source)


I always need this on my blog.

I can’t be laughing this hard in the morning. 

pestered:

please dont be ashamed of stretch marks it is proof you are growing it doesnt mean you are fat it means youre growing into a pretty flower you are special and cute 

thegreatwhitecockroach:

newwavefeminism:

toastyslayingbutter:

dynastylnoire:

siddharthasmama:

nezua:

Never forget the foundation of Law and Order.

People really don’t know that America’s first police force was made to keep watch for runaway slaves and keep free ones in check. This has carried over into today and will never stop, unfortunately.

KRS One tried to tell us

The first police “organizations” were Rattle Watches. The first police officers were Runaway Slave Patrolman, which started in 1705.

Historical context is significant

[proof]
otterbelle:

ryanvallejo:

mapsontheweb:

Which states have the most people with state pride?

its like the shittier your state is the more pride you have

Oh my god New Mexico is on there too. Nobody here realizes how shitty it is? Seriously?

hoechlins:

teen wolf fandom actually made a petition for the cast and crew to stop “disrespecting the fans” lol remember that time you sent death threats to tyler posey because he said he doesn’t like stiles/derek and his mom saw them? or how you tried to make a petition to get shelley hennig off the show? or how meagan tandy has to constantly go on twitter to defend herself and her character because people send her hate? or how you all made #killallison a worldwide trend???? :)

sixpenceee:

midna3100:

sixpenceee:

sixpenceee:

Meet Oscar. He grew up in Steere House Nursing And Rehabilitation Centre. It’s  center for the elderly who are terminally ill or have Parkinsons or Alzheimers disease. Oscar is said to have special powers. He can tell when a patient is going to die and within their final hours will go up to them and curl up with them. Doctors say he challenged everything they’ve learned in medical school. 

This is a post I made a long time ago but here is a source

I’d be fucking terrified of that cat idk about you

Imagine it curling up next to you and you’re like awww but then you realize 

folieadude:

xaviercharles:

i love it when lyrics don’t make sense to you but then you sit and think about them for a while and suddenly they’re the deepest shit you’ve ever heard it just always makes me feel good when that happens

image

calciummmilk:

blinks to covered mistakes (._. ;;;;;;)